i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
