I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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