I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
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