i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
