I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
