a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
