We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
