god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
My ass is underappreciated
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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