i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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