so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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