remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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