my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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