He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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