I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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