Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
We are all done wearing pants today
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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