Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
