I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
