Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize