While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Randomize
