Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Randomize
