My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
there's paper in my vomit.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
