If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
