You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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