you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
