hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
