thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
