my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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