They should really pass out barf bags in church
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
And then he peed in my hair
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