I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize