Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Houston, we have a blender
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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