Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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