I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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