So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
