Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
you traded sex for a burrito?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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