oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
