I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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