I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
