Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
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