You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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