I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize