How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
