Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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