the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
At least life still wants to fuck me.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
