all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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