I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
