I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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