The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
