with your own penis?
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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