I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
