What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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