My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
