yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
