brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
