Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
