so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
