My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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