I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
be right there i have to get my cape
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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