I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
