whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
