Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
