Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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