I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize