Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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