Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
